Thanksgiving is a time to gather with loved ones, share a meal, and reflect on gratitude. But for many, it can also be a challenging time.
Family gatherings sometimes bring uncomfortable conversations, and rude remarks from relatives. This year in New Brunswick, it is sure to be exacerbated by the provincial election around the corner. If you’re dreading the potential conflict or feeling the weight of your own expectations—either for yourself or others (like your ignorant uncle)—you’re not alone.
Here’s how to manage your expectations this Thanksgiving and create space for self-compassion and connection, even in the face of discomfort. Or, at least, it will help you get through the meal without throwing mashed potatoes at someone’s face. A win is a win.
1. Acknowledge Reality, Not the Ideal or the Catastrophic
We often carry the weight of an idealized holiday in our minds—perfect food, joyful conversations, and no conflict (lol). However, families are rarely without complexities.
Acknowledging that difficult moments may arise can set you up for a more grounded experience. Preparing for these moments allows you to approach them with greater patience and understanding.
Conversely, consider whether you are expecting the worst from certain people. If you go into the holiday ready to argue, then you might as well resign yourself to an argument. Is it also possible your family members might be nervous to set you off?
Ask yourself: What is realistic for me to expect from my family AND myself?
Understanding that no family is perfect can free you from feeling disappointed or let down when things don’t go smoothly.
2. Set Boundaries, Without the Guilt this Thanksgiving
You have the right to set boundaries around what is acceptable behaviour, especially when it comes to racist, sexist, homophobic, or just generally hurtful comments. This might mean addressing the comment directly or stepping away from the conversation if needed. A polite but firm response such as, “I don’t agree with that,” or “I’d rather not discuss that,” can help de-escalate a situation without allowing it to continue unchecked.
Setting boundaries is a form of self-respect, not disrespect toward others. The key is to maintain your own sense of peace while avoiding the guilt that often comes from standing up for yourself.
3. Practice Compassion for Yourself
It’s common to feel immense pressure during holiday gatherings—pressure to be kind, to hold it all together, to avoid conflict. While this can come from a desire to keep the peace, it can also lead to feeling exhausted and emotionally depleted. Remember, it’s okay to have limits.
When tension arises, remind yourself that you’re doing your best. If you respond in a way that feels less than ideal, offer yourself grace rather than criticism. Practicing self-compassion means acknowledging that you are human, and no one can navigate every interaction perfectly.
4. Consider What You Can Control
You cannot control the actions or words of others, but you can control your response to them. Before the holiday, take time to reflect on your own emotional needs. How do you want to show up, and what matters most to you? Focus on staying aligned with your values, even if others don’t do the same.
This might mean excusing yourself from a conversation or simply choosing not to engage with someone who continually pushes your boundaries. You can also prepare phrases or strategies ahead of time for when conversations turn uncomfortable.
5. Create Exit Strategies for Thanksgiving Dinner
Sometimes, the best way to preserve your peace is by removing yourself from the situation altogether. If a conversation gets out of hand, it’s okay to politely excuse yourself.
If you’re hosting, take a break in another room. If you’re attending, you might even plan to leave earlier than usual.Having an exit plan can give you a sense of control in what might otherwise feel like a helpless situation. It’s okay to protect your mental health, even if it means not staying for the entire event.
6. Build Supportive Alliances
If you know certain family members share your values or can be allies during tough conversations, lean on them for support (shoutout to cousins!). You don’t have to endure uncomfortable moments alone.
Having a trusted person by your side can make navigating difficult conversations easier and give you a sense of solidarity, and it can actually be fun. One look from my cousin can still send me into fits of laughter at the dinner table. It’s one of the best things about these shared experiences with family.
Additionally, connecting with these allies before or after the gathering can help you process and decompress if any stressful moments arise.
7. Shift Focus to Gratitude and Connection
Despite the potential difficulties, Thanksgiving is a time for gratitude. Focusing on the aspects of the holiday that bring joy—whether that’s the food, traditions, or spending time with loved ones who understand and respect you—can make the gathering feel more fulfilling. Take moments to appreciate the small joys, even if the day isn’t perfect, because days rarely are.
When a difficult conversation arises, ground yourself by mentally shifting focus to something you’re grateful for in that moment. It can be a powerful way to disengage from negativity and preserve your peace.
8. Remember: You’re Not Alone
Many people experience stress around family gatherings for similar reasons. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, remember that it’s okay to seek support from friends, a therapist, or trusted community members who understand what you’re going through.
Thanksgiving can be a joyful time, but it can also come with emotional challenges. Managing your expectations of yourself and others is crucial for navigating this holiday with more ease. By setting boundaries, practicing compassion for yourself, and focusing on what you can control, you can make space for gratitude—even in difficult moments.
Take care of yourself, honour your emotional needs, and remember that managing expectations is not about lowering them but about finding peace in the midst of imperfection.
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